Counting These Candles
by tlpsdeexl
Summary: ...Yet I still walk, heavy, dragging my limbs. I smile with this face, and I talk in a voice that doesn't truly speak. Its sad really. Its sad to think that the person they once knew could become so broken. All under their eyes. Disclaimer: Brother's Conflict is owned by Atsuko Kanase. Image belongs to the rightful owner
1. Chapter 1

_There wasn't a certain point when it just suddenly all came crushing down. Not only was it so slow, it felt like a poison seeping into my deepest pores. I could've done something about it, but I just let it happen. Let it taint my surfaces, leaving in its wake the canvas that was once white. Yet I still walk, heavy, dragging my limbs. I smile with this face, and I talk in a voice that doesn't truly speak. Its sad really. Its sad to think that the person they once knew could become so broken. All under their eyes._

 **Chapter One: The 1st Candle**

I closed these eyes of mine. So, tomorrow is the day that we move. Can't say that I'm excited. I'm just tired. I turned my weightless head over to Ema, sleeping peacefully after the hectic day of packing and organizing the move. With careless ease, I sat up, so silently, like a ghost. I slip out the makeshift futon and made my way to the kitchen.

The dripping of the tap as I hunched over is all that bounds me to reality. Scoffing as I thought back to when I was last hunched over a sink like this. Silly yet so satisfying. I reached my hand over to the cup and meet the cold surface with warm hands. The liquid quenching my thirst seems cooler in comparison. I thought to the situation I was in. The fact our dear father was remarrying a woman we didn't hear about until recently. About the fact we will no longer live with only two souls in a house. I thought about where life would be like from here on out, but I stopped myself. No, not anymore. I don't want to start, starting would mean an end. I don't want that end to come.

"Ella?"

My eyes regained their focus when I turned my head towards my sister. Clad in her nightwear with drowsiness evident in her eyes. I realized I left the tap on, and made my movements to cease the flow. How long was I like this crossed my mind for a brief second, but was vanquished when I had to answer my sister to cease her needless worries.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" I apologized in a whisper.

"No, I woke up and can't seem to go back to sleep properly cause of the excitement for tomorrow."

She made her way to me and got a cup herself. I shifted so she had access to the sink. My back to the counter with my hands resting on the edge. My fists intensified their grips on the edge gradually. I thought of the confession I should say. I thought of a different outcome but I stopped myself. No, that won't do. Not now when things are finally looking up for her.

"Hence me being here as well." A sheepish smirk on this face. So practiced, so easy.

"I still can't believe papa really wants us to move into their family. I mean, its so sudden. I feel like we're intruding." Her brows frowned with obvious stress.

I understand what she means. I understand her too well to know what she thinks. Its almost boring, so simply plain. I walk to her and held my palms onto her elbows, firm yet comforting.

"Ema, that worry of yours isn't shared by you only. I can say for certain the 'family' we are so soon to be apart of has their own worries as well." She looked at me confused, and I elaborated further.

"Let's imagine we were in their shoes. If we were to be told that the dear daughters of our soon to be step-father was going to come live with us, well any decent family would be worried if they are able to make them feel like home. I bet they already readied our rooms and warned the others to be on their best behaviours."

"I… maybe your right" Ema smiled after listening to me.

"Time does wonders Chi, stop being needlessly worried. They will come to accept us, and its not like they can get rid of us when they taste your divine cooking" I joked at the end and it seemed Ema's mood is lightened. I hugged her for good measure.

As I held her in my embrace, I realized that whilst I couldn't ever be hoped to be saved, it doesn't mean I should leave the ones that can be saved hanging. I, at least don't want Ema to live with suffering she doesn't yet realize. I should be selfish in this regard, it's the only time I allow myself to justify my being. I released her, and didn't notice the slight reluctantly in the retraction of my arms.

"Go back to sleep Chi, I will be right in soon." She smiled and retreated with the second goodnight that night. Her figure disappeared and so did this façade. I tilted my head and gazed over the silhouettes of the room. I didn't want to move. I thought that I shouldn't bring this to others, to those that Ema will come to cherish.

I thought about how I'm still breathing and just how suffocating it is to breath. With laboured breathes, I willed my mind to chatter softer, and within the next 40 minutes I found myself back in bed with the softness of the pillow behind my head. And before sleep took me, I remember thinking how I wished the pillow was above my head and not behind.

The morning came sooner than my body wanted it. I could tell my body wasn't amused when the sunshine broke the barrier of the curtains and hit my face and blinded me in my sleep. I didn't want to get up, not really. I could sleep the day away to eternity.

"Come on Ella, it's 7:30 time to wake up."

I am though.

"We can get some breakfast on our way to the station. The movers from Nittu Co. are coming in 40 minutes."

I heard her shuffle her way to my resting place. "Chi, stop pulling my blanket" I clenched to the edges of the softness that blocked out the reality. But at last to no avail. Ema is stronger then what she seems, but then again, I was too tired to try for long, not with her. Especially not so in the morning.

"Come on Ella, a shower always helps you wake up" Ema persisted.

I sighed and closed my eyes. I had to get up anyways. Its just so hard to do so. But with effort that I had difficulty in finding, I got up and walked to the bathroom. Ema's eyes trailing me to make sure I don't just drop to the bed again. I have done so in the past, and she had learned better.

She retreated out the room after I closed the door to the bathroom. I looked into the mirror and saw these eyes of mine, and how in the light it tricks even me to think they actually shine.

I took the pyjamas off and got in the shower. I scrubbed over bumps and flesh, paying no heed to the aching. I was finished within 5 minutes but when I heard Ema knocking on the door telling me to hurry, I realized the water was much cooler now. I got changed into my school attire, the same as Ema's but with black stockings. I made my dark brown hair into a bun, finished with a navy ribbon, leaving the front bangs hang by my face's side. I stepped out and saw Ema prompt and ready.

The movers came. At one point I made Ema sit by the side and finished directing the movers on the remaining boxes. Breakfast was a treat but I remember no taste. I brought the substance to my mouth and had to actually analyse the taste and told Ema it was okay.

School was a chore but I made it through. The day was just like any with fake cheer and enthusiasm. The teachers pegged me as a 'natural genius' although they never outwardly pressured me into top university and such. I was at least a bit grateful for that. Although studying was never something so troublesome for me since I often escape into academics to get my mind focused on something else, it was something that I find ultimately meaningless.

Throughout the day I can noticed how Ema seemed very distracted. Must be thinking about when we meet the family members. On that note, I glanced over to Asahina Yusuke. Is he and Ema aware of us becoming siblings? Going by their non-change in behaviours it doesn't seem like it. I tapped a note to the page on something the teacher said. 6 more hours to go.

The shrieking sound of the bell brought the end of the school day. I closed my eyes and took a deep sigh.

"Um… excuse me Hinata-san" came a rather timid yet baritone voice.

My eyes opened and focused to the current person standing in front of my desk. Kurosaki Yukine. An athlete at our school that has been scouted by the Japanese junior team of tennis. He was 178 cm with a fine build, black eyes and dark brown hair. How I know such facts about him, thanks to the female population in our class- and the whole grade. They constantly giggle and fangirl about him at every turn and because of his charismatic and kind demeanour, he barely notices the attention he receives which added to his appeal. To find him standing albeit fidgety with his eyes somewhat on the ground yet trying to look into mine gave me the clue where this might be heading.

"Yukine-kun, is there something you need help with?" I responded smoothly. Whilst I was raised with Japanese customs, the horrific was something I find very tiresome. I stuck to the least number of syllables required to address someone, which many times if not always tended to be their given names. In a way this has added my easy-going persona of the 'genius angel' of our grade. Something I didn't want and only realize until it was too late. By then it was to bothersome to correct. However, the outcome is the awkward silence or stun on that particular person's end which I then am require to wait for them to get over it. Like now. A tiny blush crossed his face and he took a noticeable breath and locked onto my eyes.

I could tell this was a confession. Its not my first and won't be my last. Although I appear to be the vibrant resident angel of our grade, it doesn't mean that I take my looks to be my forte and abuse it on others. I listened to reason and logic, taking my studies as it is and interacted with fellow classmates and teachers in all normality. Not causing trouble and helping where I can was what lead me to this labelling. "Genius angel." I was going for normal, but in a way I done it so perfectly, that I came to receive this attention, it's actually disturbingly amusing. Truly.

My answer was the same as the last, always has been. Although, with all my displaced interest in social interactions and struggle for inner balance, I never found it in myself to abuse the feeling on others. It was lost on me, yes, but I won't allow that to have others suffer by it. At least when it concerns me.

"Hinata-san, I have always looked up to you, both for your academic excellence and character. Lately, I have noticed that this respect is my attraction towards you. I realize that you might reject this confession as with others before, but please allow me a chance to prove to you I can be someone to make you happy and feel cared for. I like you." As he said this, he was firm and true. Voice not wavering or to aggressive. I was rather captivated by what was said, and judging by the silence that issued around us, I had a sense that the others present was too. I inwardly signed at the fuss that would result after this event.

"Yukine-kun. I appreciate your courage in telling me your feelings. Although if I do accept this now, it would be unfair to the others that I have turned down, but your words hold something I have not considered before. Will you give me some time?" I spoke with a soft voice, being sure to add the emphasis on each word to deliver my true intention. I notice both his relief at not being rejected, and his disheartened look in his eyes.

It was gone very quickly as he gave me a laxed smile and replied with a sure. What proceeded was him bidding me a safe walk home and goodbye till tomorrow. The remaining students, that, being the males went along with Yukine-kun and the females crowding over to me.

After a full 20 minutes of questioning and advice I made my way to the front gate where Ema was waiting for me. She looked a bit lost in though with her feet tapping a bit to quickly to be relaxed. Must be the anticipation.

"Chi, sorry I'm late. Got held up by something." I waved as I closed the distance between us. As expected, she said it was fine and we both proceeded to make our way to the Asahina household. She glanced at me a couple times during the walk and I knew I needed to tell her to stop her fretting before it got to bad.

"Kurosaki Yukine confessed to me afterschool. I told him I needed time to think about it." I tilted my head to her.

"Oh. Kurosaki-kun? Now that you mention it, I saw him and a few others boys together. They looked quite excited?" Ema pondered, looking up.

"The girls in the class was what really kept me. They were absolutely ecstatic about the news and were crushing me with their questions. It was a hellish ordeal by itself." I placed light-heartedly, and Ema giggled.

"Will you say yes?"

"Probably no. I'm not sure yet. He seemed true and I can't turn that down without thinking it over." I mused to myself. She nodded and soon we were off the train and chatting about the rest of the day whilst we walked. I just wanted to sleeping again, more then anything else. Today the feeling is especially strong. But, I had to keep this mask up for Ema, I don't want her to catch on or worry. So I went on about the upcoming events at school. Ema seemed to find some peace with my voice to quell her anxiety.

Before long we arrived at the Sunrise Residence, after some detours and map following. By the entrance the truck was just leaving. In its wake was two figures that I presumed was our soon-to-be-brothers. Ema said something and started jogging.

I just walked after her. I thought to myself of the wreck that is about to enter their house, enter their lives. But, if Ema didn't notice for all this time, it means I am safe. I will not let others suffer what I had to, and I would kill myself if I did. With that, my decision was made and just in time to stand alongside Ema for the introduction.


	2. Chapter 2

Halting to a stop next to Ema, I adjusted the bag strap over my right shoulder. I glanced over to the two figures, and I started to read off their emotions and auras almost immediately. The one with the pink hair and bubbly clothes radiated optimism and pure excitement. I was quite overwhelmed by the huge smile he had plastered on his face. A flash of a chipmunk briefly crossed my mind, as he honestly reminded me of one. The older person held a much calmer and smooth demeanour, and I knew that he was the voice of reasoning when it came to the much younger boy. He too held a welcoming smile, but there was a hint of nervousness in his voice that I picked up.

"My name is Masaomi, and this here is Wataru." The care and love he directed to the younger boy gripped something in me, and I know that Ema felt something too. Whilst our father did love us dearly, he was never a constant in our lives to show it. Absence stems longing, and it has done us both. But in my case, I wish it was only the need for another's soul to mend my own.

"Onee-chan tachi, konichiwa!"

"Ah, konichiwa. I'm Ema Hinata, and this is my sister…" She came up from her bow as did I.

"Nice to meet, I'm-" Just as my name was on the tip of my tongue, my phone went off, so instead of picking it up, I silenced it and readjusted my expression to one of apology.

"Sorry, I'm Ella. Ema's twin."

"Ah! Twin!" Wataru seemed to be delighted, and I had an inkling on why. Whilst the news of the move and remarriage came sudden, there was time to check on the family we were to be apart of. When Ema said that it was 13 brothers, I was albeit stunned. She didn't bother digging more into it. I did. Hence, I know that Yusuke Asahina in our class was one of the brothers, along with a set of triplets. Two of which are voice actors and the other involved in the video game industry. Ema will be surprised when she founds out how connected she already is with them.

By now, Masaomi was leading us to our separate rooms. I got the one besides Ema's. Masaomi spoke some more but at this point I was just dazed out. I thought about the phone call and though I should take it in private.

"-la, Ella!" When I came to I physically felt Ema's shaking on my shoulders. I made a noise of affirmation and she just morphed her face to one of concern.

"Is anything wrong? Are you feeling okay?" Her voice floated to my unconscious, and somehow, I just wanted to laugh in her face. 'Okay'. I somehow felt even more drained.

"Yea. Just… a bit tired." I wanted to choke on water once I said that. This body itself felt foreign to me. My state of tiredness is more mental than anything.

"Well, you should sleep earlier tonight. You didn't sleep properly last night, right? And you also handled most of the move this morning." Her voice was firm but with gentleness. Somehow, I found myself wanting to escape. But instead, I feigned an easy-going expression.

"Sure. Sleep sounds wonderful to me right now." My laxed expression must have done the job as predicted, she rolled her eyes.

"Sleep always sounds wonderful to you. You sleep too much either way, and sometimes you don't sleep at all. I think that's why your tired more often now." She scolds at me, and I could merely go along.

Walking into the bedroom, I could see that it entered a short corridor before opening to a relatively spacious room. By standing in the doorway, I could see the bed vertically facing me. To the left upon entering is the closet with the work desk and chair situated on the wall before the closet. A carpet with the image of a deep-blue mandala lied in the space in the middle of the room. Everything was minimalistic and bare, leaving me the option to decorate it how I see fit. Walking to the bed, the curtains show a small veranda leading from my bedroom. I didn't know what to feel about that. On the one hand I'm pleased with the easy access to the outside, whilst the other part of me felt it was too easy to access.

My chest suddenly hurt a lot. It was so heavy, I was surprised when the weight of it haven't toppled me down to the floor already. I grip my shirt and I started to sink to the floor. Ragged breathes escaped me and I tried to keep them at a steady pace but failed miserably. No, not this. As usual, the timing was just spot on. My sarcasm didn't help with the pain, but at least I wasn't spiralling worse. It lasted a couple of minutes. Me, just kneeling on the floor, my head upon the bed and my hands clutching onto my shirt like it was a lifeline.

Extreme fatigue hit me. Energy was something I did not have, so I just relaxed my body onto the bed and let darkness overtake me. I surrendered my body to its needs, but somehow, I found the soul to be the most tired. I used to think it was empty, since it felt like a hole in my very being. Constantly a thorn at my side, causing me pain. Yet, how it was so painful when it was only empty, truly confused me.

Later, I thought it was the hunger of my soul. Trying to seek the replacement for the vacant hole. Trying to fit something that wasn't meant to be there. I remember screaming. I remember my fingertips gripping at my body to relief the pain. The pain of existing. To have an existence. I thought the pain was something to help cope with the unstable mind. An anchor. It was, and somehow, I came to abuse it too much. I know I thought it was a slow process. Letting something in just too slowly break everything down. And it was. It was so excruciating slow. It's still continuing, and I can't stop it from happening. Rather, I have no will to stop it.

Those thoughts hit me again tonight. For I will go to sleep again, wishing the darkness just doesn't leave me, like all the other nights.

Little do I know that Ema noticed my absence and thought I needed the rest. Tomorrow, I will notice that she would have excused my appearance to the brothers and fainted right after. But, that is all for tomorrow. For now, I would like to sleep.

* * *

 _Ello readers. Thank you for reading this story and to those of you that favourited/followed/reviewed, I truly want to say I really appreciate it!_

 _I realize it is only a very small number, but to someone that is publishing their first story, it means a world to me. And in many ways this story is a world to me. I wish to continue it on at my own pace (meaning infrequent updates). Although my exams are coming up this coming month, so I will most likely either update chapter 3 right before the end of April, or after mid-May. Until then, enjoy this short chapter 2._


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